Closing the Caring Gap: Dads, Pyjamas, and the Caring Revolution
Last week I wrote about Parental Leave: Why Men Should Step Up and Society Should Let Them, with a comparison of how the UK parental leave system compares to Sweden. I also promised to delve into how we women might be complicit in the caring gap, so here goes.
Are We Reinforcing the Caring Gap?
Some women convince themselves that their children prefer to come to them rather than their partner when they need something. They like to think they have special caring powers that a man can never master. So, they insist on doing the lion’s share of the caring because their children prefer it that way. Newsflash: the children prefer it that way because that is what they know. And how did they get used to that? I will leave the answer to you. Your partner will never master those skills if you insist on doing everything.
The Cost of Taking Over
The trouble with not letting your partner do his share of the caring is that it compromises their relationship with the children. You are literally robbing your children of a deeper connection with their dad. One of my friends said her husband picked her up from the airport once with the kids in their pyjamas, and she was mortified when she saw them in the arrivals hall. The kids, on the other hand, had had a blast with dad, been up all hours, been fed all sorts that would make mum’s hair stand on end, and didn’t see what the fuss with the pyjamas was about.
Outdated Expectations in Modern Households
Unfortunately, society expects women to be the primary carers, and most of our households are set up that way. But when that societal expectation was created, women didn’t go out to work. Looking after their home and children was their full-time job. We don’t live like that anymore. Most households now, because of the high cost of living and women choosing to have careers, have both parents working. And yet, women still do the lion’s share of the household duties and childcare. The question is, why is this caring imbalance persisting?
Going Backwards: What the Data Tells Us
In the latest McKinsey report about women in the workplace, 39% of women with partners do the housework in 2024, compared to 2016, when it was 35%. Why have we gone backwards?
I can assure you that these women do not want this imbalance, but they do not have the skills to assert themselves and put boundaries in place to ensure that their partner does his equal share. I don’t say this to make the men feel bad—so the single dads who come for me, please put your swords down. I say this because men think in a different way than women. So, if you are a woman thinking the man is going to read your mind and automatically start splitting the household chores because your maternity leave is over, you are living under a stone. You better start sharpening your communication skills.
The Spreadsheet Test
Anyone I have coached will tell you that I have a spreadsheet I make them fill in about the household chores and admin, and they are always surprised at how even the ‘good men’ who ‘help’ out seem to do less than the women. Then there is the small matter of the ‘helping’ out. This is wrong-headed. No one is helping anyone. This is a joint responsibility that both parties have bought into, and duties should be shared equally.
Start Early: The Importance of Clear Conversations
But tell me, who at the start of their relationship, when they first move in together or even when the kids start coming along, sits down with their partner with a spreadsheet about household duties? It is just not the sexy thing to do. So different parties do what they want to do, helped by societal expectation, and before you know it, the woman is burnt out and the relationship is in dire straits.
Conclusion: Sharing the Load, Strengthening the Bond
Addressing the caring gap starts with recognising it as a shared responsibility, not an individual burden. Women, let go of the idea that your way is the only way, and men, step up without waiting to be asked. This is not about perfection; it’s about partnership. By shifting the mindset from “helping out” to “owning your share,” couples can create a more balanced, respectful, and loving dynamic. Let’s normalise conversations about household duties early in relationships—even if spreadsheets aren’t sexy, burnout definitely isn’t. The payoff? Happier partnerships, stronger families, and children who thrive under the care of both parents. Let’s aim for equality not just in the workplace, but in our homes too.
